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#1037
Anonymous
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Hi Padma,

Different people are brought up differently. We are today based on what we were taught or experienced yesterday. Many of the children are brought up in “closed conservative” environment (or society). Over a period of time, the thought process too evolves based on surroundings and we choose our friends based on what we think and feel are correct. Thinking rationally (or irrationally or anything for that matter) is partly our upbringing surroundings and partly out of our own experiences. But this dynamics suddenly change with the introduction of new relation called husband (or spouse) and in-laws. What is very gross for you may not be the same for him. Because different people see through different things differently at different times.

In your opinion, do you think drinking is a crime? But it’s not in my view. But it’s definitely a crime if he is driving after he is drunk or abusing his wife or kids.

In your opinion, is it a crime if husband closely moves with his collogues? I don’t think so. But definitely it’s NOT OK if he is cheating on you.

Knowing boundaries in a relation (for both) is very important. I assume that he knows his boundaries. Too much thinking of an issue or too much conservative or too much obsession for anything is not good.

Its important that a relation to be successful both should have a common frequency (thought process). Yes, if both of you are too conservative or both of you are too obsessed (about one thing) that’s fine too as you both get along with each other.

Your line

<< *** its time only for him to realise how much i care for him may be tere is no one who would love him like me in this world. now i realise i wished my husband to be a perfect man in my life . and since i love him a lot since he is my property i felt possive in all matters. infact i was blind. i for got he is a human apart from he being bonding with me as a husband as a love. he has his own world to enjoy his own things to do. i felt iam every thing in life to him. but no iam just a part of his life. were i need to be in my limits . iam feeling bad only for this reason that i love him so much. may be if other girl was in my place she would have cooly divorced and been happy. since i love him i dont want to go far from him. at least i wish that he is in front of my eyes till i breath last. only god needs to correct him and give me a good life. if my love is happy enjoying his life in different ways i will not stop him. after all i wish his happiness in life. iam an emotional may be my emotions done not have value in his heart. i will change my self to see him happy tis is what is left over *** >>

Let me ask you this question. Do you watch too much of old classical movies? The more and more I read, I am even more convinced that you entered into a relation with a pre-set mind that your man should have these and these qualities. Get out of your fantasy world.

But let me tell you something very important. Please do not assume and make more mistakes that your husband is under someone’s influence. That’s so much of baloney built and infused by noon serials (STOP watching them). Adults don’t listen to someone blindly or is it your imagination?

Often in a new relation, there is a power struggle and adjustment issue. What is correct for you may be wrong for him. Understand this. You were in a serious relation just less than 11 months. Out these 11 months, ask yourself how many months you were together and how many times you had heated arguments and developed it into a cold war and for how long. Are you looking for instant bond and instant relation with instant results just because you both are wife and husband in the eyes of law and society? Don’t expect results without honest efforts. Trust me, building relations is not instantaneous. They take time and both of your efforts. Don’t live for the sake of your neighbors or the so called society. Live for your bond. Live for your relationship and live for your trust between you both.

I am not trying to find fault with you. But in relation we make mistakes. We correct them. We make adjustments. We define ourselves and evolve over a period of time and get along. And that’s how life is. But if you are overwhelmed (or anyone in a relation) and not able to adjust by something, then you got to make choices. Because if you are not able to adjust, and living for the “sake of society” (which is another baloney) sometime later amidst all these confusion you bring in a child, the child is a silent recipient of all this abuse.

But is divorce a solution for everything? Absolutely NOT. Do not approach with a negative pre-set mind. Often women jump around talking about their rights.

Now coming back to your most important question that you have been asking many times in this thread.

YES and YES. Both of you can go to court. Results will be way different once you step into court. Understand that legal system cannot build bond, trust and relationship between a wife and husband. Legal system is very successful building a concrete wall and developing hate between couple because that’s what is going to happen as you take one step and he will take one step and the court will take another step. And this will continue until its end of everything. Because once you step into court, you will not know “how far is too far”

Yes, you can get a court order to live with your husband. But at what cost? Your husband will have a TV, a dining table, a car and you. Will it be any different for him between you and other THINGS? Is that what you want? Do you think you will be happy that way? If that’s what you want, my sincere apologies. This is not the place to discuss. All of our efforts are to fix relations NOT break. Look around, you will get plenty of feminist groups and lawyers to break that we don’t even need to discuss.

Because, fixing is difficult but breaking is very easy.

My best wishes

~ James.