My friend , I also get the same thoughts but please stop your thoughts flowing.
I can understand the pressure
Life is dungeon , All is keep your cool and calm and control yourself .
Get advice from senior members here and get rid out of the poison
I made same mistake but came to this forum after getting 498a logged which i never knew or dreamt of until my insane wife and in-laws logged it.
This world is full on insane people, for me they logged on 8 ppl including me my my parents , sisters, cousin brother sisters and aunts
Go get your ABA first as adviced by all above