- This topic has 3 replies, 1 voice, and was last updated 11 years, 10 months ago by Anonymous.
16/12/2009 at 8:33 AM #182AnonymousGuest
I really don’t have anything against my wife, still have respect for her. In the beginning (1994) – I was much immature (perhaps in emotion and man woman relation till date) and due to some ego from my side, the distance made between us. And it was keep on increasing in several way in many forms. I tried many times to compromise and adjust- but I couldn’t. Now I am realizing, before it’s further late for both of us, it has to be done. We are sleeping in different rooms last 13 months, didn’t intercourse last 18 months (not more than 6 in last 3 years). But I cant live in this manner anymore. I am regularly taking drugs for sleeping, pressure and cholesterol and ant depression as prescribed by physician. Before it affects my job performance, I want to end it. I can take everything else, but not a bad performance of myself at workplace.
1st I want to change my marital status. I can’t act anymore everyday in home, and want to be fair at least this time to my wife. I know lots of odds will come from my mother and relatives. I have to shift for a separate residence (like I did in July 2008), might face financial crunch also. But still I have to do this, my mother is also suffering last few months, guessing my mental condition, and unfortunately in spite of my trying – relation between wife and mother isn’t healthy yet. My wife stopped using Sindoor. I am 40 now, so still have some courage left. But after this it wont be possible. Even in my professional life, people wont take it easily. Still I want to take my own black spots, my failure- to the public, at least to the people who matters; cant play hide and seek game anymore. I stopped myself several times; thinking about my son, but truly speaking he almost doesn’t have any emotional relation with me. Its all my fault, as he saw, his mother is away from me- he also started maintaining a distance. So, please don’t say me to rethink this time. The issue was already pushed for 10years- but nothing changed. I shall fulfill all their (wife and son) other need like now, but not by staying together anymore. I know healthy parent relationship is essential for kids to grow. But the way I am living is not a healthy way, staying apart is a far better option surely.
My wife knows all of these but still not ready to divorce me- “just for my son” and her status to society! How to tackle her and HONURABLE INDIAN COURT?
THE LAWS- INDIAN LAWS!!!
ARE WE REALLY MOVING FORWARD???
I filed my divorce petition on September 2009. The first date was 16th Dec 2009. On that day I just got another date.
When we talk about “India’s globalization”, it’s just a MOCKERY of its height. Just think about states (more than 50), where No- Fault divorce exists. But we Indians are different. We are really different! We had a custom of “SATI DAHO PROTHA”, “BOHUBIBHAOO of Brahmins”, “dowry” and so on, which no longer exists (at least in the so called Indian social society). All those practices are no longer permissible by Indian Law. Other states also had some old beliefs like “burning a witch”. The basic difference was, they at least used to admit their belief about the victim as “witch”, but we named her “SOTI” tagging with a very “noble” cause. Whenever we (or someone) stick to something old, we always tag that as “custom” , “tradition” etc. This is human nature. Man always wants to be in his stability and status co. But sometime a surgery is needed to avoid the gangrene- it’s done only when it’s necessary. Is not this the right (if not delayed already) time to address the problem associated with Indian Divorce Act. Please note, I am not the 1st to say this, the law commissions already felt this in 2008 and 2009 (reports enclosed). First one clearly recommended for UNIFORM MARRIAGE LAW (only for registered marriages) and the later one recommended introducing THE IRRETIVABLE BREAK DOWN OF MARRIAGE as a ground for divorce.
That means if my partner and me agree on a less affecting thing like divorce (which means to break the tie of marriage), how can we STAY TOGETHER in marriage thereafter. All of us know that, staying together (in any form) requires much more agreement than to stay apart from each other. That means I have to request (or beg) my wife to be free from marriage, just like a captive in a jail. Is not this obstructing my basic fundamental right as a citizen? When there is no such law for a father & son or mother & son relation (although maintenance clause is there), why would be such gross disparity in case of marriage? Is later the more “NOBLE” or “MUST ON” relations than the earlier?
But unfortunately our “ Honourable Judiciary” and “Honourable Ministry” are yet to to make the amendment in the divorce law. Whenever we delay something, it affects. In this scenario its affecting unfortunate people like me.
Forget everything, just imagine a scenario in a bedroom of a couple where a Judge is sitting and deciding about the “cruelty” performed or not among the couple!
Feelings of two human beings are involved in a couple’s married life. This could not be patched up by enforcement of law by courts. It is up to the individuals to mend themselves. A horse can be taken to water but it is the horse that should drink it. However, the law should not deny divorce if the marriage has really broken down. By forcing unity with a hammer in the hand, the law does not serve the sanctity attached to the institution of marriage by religions. If the relationship of husband and wife wrecks beyond repair, what is wrong in recognizing that fact and allow them to live separately. How can one compel a wife or a husband to continue to live with spouse if they have fallen apart? If so compelled they would have to lead miserable life.
Now as an effect I have two options –
EITHER to stay in my marriage forgetting about my all own negative feelings,
OR to badmouth my son’s mother in the court to get rid of her. In both cases either my wife or I would be sufferer, not the Honurable Judiciary! Won’t the chances of reconciliation would decrease or diminish just because of amount of tension created between the two during the process, as more dates means more blames or more defense (which is also a part of attack mechanism)? Even the child would be indirectly sufferer for the bitterness between the parents as helpless witness of the whole event.
Breaking up was a hard decision for anyone. I thought over years. But while doing, why we (the process itself) need to be nasty instead of peaceful? If a marriage can be done in a one-month notice period, why the divorce would be delayed for YEARS?
I like to highlight some facts in countries, where there is NO- FAULT divorce: –
· A decline in the rates of domestic violence (which is obviously concern in India)
· These laws empower a man or woman in an abusive marriage and make it easier to leave and live separate
· Means less conflict during divorce, which means less emotional harm to children whose parents, are divorcing
· Shortens the length of time it takes to obtain a divorce, which, in turn, shortens the amount of time spent in a stressful situation causing physical and mental damage to involved party (as in my case, I am having anti depression drugs as prescribed)
· Financial settlements are based on need, ability to pay and contribution to the family finances, rather than on fault
· Helps reduce the heavy caseloads of family courts
At the end we all must remember-
LAW IS MADE BY THE PEOPLE
LAW IS MADE FOR THE PEOPLE.
So I humbly pray to consider my case as an Individual, not as an “Ideal Husband”, and grant the divorce without further delay. I am responsible for my job (doing it last 13 years) as well as my family, and will give reasonable maintenance (the only sub clause was recommended as check measure for divorce for Irretrievable Break Down) as decided by the Honourable Court.
16/12/2009 at 8:42 AM #1176AnonymousGuest
Yes,I am also a victim of this seenerio. Nobody is caring of peoples like us.
If everything we are coping from west y not we are coping good thing .
17/12/2009 at 3:25 AM #1177AnonymousGuest
Why are you taking so much tension, I am also a victim but I don’t get indulged in this bloody game of putting false allegation and running in courts for begging divorce I don’t give a single penny to my wife, if she wants to be a robot, run by her mother, then I am not responsible for her sufferings. Just take it easy and don’t think that you are doing some thing its happening only you are not the doer. I lost my job, but I was happy one tension gone and company gives me 2,00000 Rs because they fired me after that I have a lot of money. Now I am free to flow with the time I have nothing to loose, but judge see my pervious salary statements and ordered 10,000/- maintenance per month. No issue “Karne DO” I am not going to pay and 1 year already gone I have paid nothing to my in- laws now they are running behind me to settle the matter.
But I do:
(1) I sold all the house hold items,
(2) I stop to pay Electricity Bill.
(3) I stop the maid.
(4) She makes hell my life in court and I make her life hell in my house.
When there is no washing machine, refrigerator, AC, cooking gas, electricity then she automatically leave my house and went to parents home. No body can stop me doing this no police and not the court I have no job and I have to pay the fee of my Advocate. I hardly give 10,000/- Rs to my advocate from 1’st hearing I come to know that he can’t do anything. My wife filed DVA and Application in women cell. Women cell reject her application because I was agreed her to take with me and they reject her application and bring her to my house first I tried to do my best to resolve the matter but the matter was not between me nad and wife I was between me and my mother-in-law and my wife was doing everting to make her mother happy and I also start playing their game with them now again she is at her parents home now again they put application in women cell and they tried to find me and closed the application by saying that case is already running in court and first give us the status of your son-in-law because my parents already disowned before my in-laws filled cases in court
DVA is still running, in beginning I was also tried a lot to solve the problem but when you think you are doer then you suffer a lot.
My wife is MBA and M.Sc (C.S) and she is earning near about 15,000/- per month but I have no need to prove why I go to court to prove she working and that honorable judge will not believe on me because judge is the part of the mechanism which is only working for women’s. We men’s have no feeling, sentiments, and emotions. I filled application for divorce but my advocate say you have to pay maintenance to your wife, I with draw the case and second thing she wants the child then it’s her responsibility to feed him, if child is with me then I will do for him I am not going to beg from my wife for that.
So Gupta ji now you are 40 and 30 years left, so take a good decision you will find nothing in courts.
Same thing happened with my one friend he do love marriage but his wife also a mother driven girl and she filled 498 on him, that time he was working in state police, but suffered a lot, he lost his job and at last he became disappears and started his second life with new girl and now he is a well settled person and having one baby boy and his ex- wife is fighting for bread and butter her parents also go abroad because they have to marry their others children’s. So in last no body is with you, you have to fight alone with you problems.
My father-in-law was giving false applications in police stations that I slapped him and beat his daughter means my wife. Then I started really to beat them but there is not medical proof of that so no police action. Don’t take all tension on your shoulders share it to others it’s a game like football in football you give pass to other players.
Presently I am also got disappeared; now enjoying my life I have joined health club, and Japanese martial arts. In leaves I am visiting new places and now searching another life partner.
There are two types of innocence. One is below knowledge – the childlike, the pre-Adam-like, and the animal-like. Below knowledge you are not, the ego is not, the troublemaker is not; you exist as part of the Cosmic Whole. You do not know that you are part, you do not know that there is a Cosmic Whole: you know nothing. You exist without knowing. Of course, there is no suffering because suffering is impossible without knowledge. One has to be aware of suffering to suffer it. How can you suffer if you are not aware? Like if you are being operated upon: a surgeon is operating on you. If you are conscious, you suffer. If you lose you conscious and are unconscious, there is no suffering. The leg is cut completely, thrown, and there is no suffering because suffering is nowhere recorded, nowhere known – you are unconscious. You cannot suffer in unconsciousness. You can suffer only when you are conscious. The more conscious, the more you suffer. So don’t think more about this matter and accept that you are not responsible for any thing the things are happening you are only a spectator.
See the animals are not in a struggle. Even if they appear to us to be in a struggle, they are not in a struggle. They appear to you to be in a struggle because we go on projecting our own ideas. They cannot be in a struggle. They appear to us to be in a struggle because for us everything is a struggle. With the ego everything is a struggle. They seem to be fighting to exist, but they are not fighting to exist: they are just flowing in the Cosmic Unity. Even if they are doing something, there is no doer behind it. It is a natural phenomenon.
If a lion is killing some victim for his food, there is no doer, there is no violence. It is a simple phenomenon – just hunger after food. There is no hungry one but simply hunger – a mechanism of finding food, not violence. Only man can be violent, because only man can be a doer. You can kill without hunger, but a lion can never kill without hunger – because in a lion the hunger kills, not the lion. A lion can never kill in play. There is nothing like hunting for a lion. It exists only for man. You can kill in play, just for fun. If a lion is satisfied, there is no violence, no play, no game, nothing. It is
a hunger phenomenon. The doer is not there.
Why is childhood so beautiful, so blissful? Because you were still a part of the Cosmic flow, with no responsibility, with absolute freedom, with no conscience, with no burden. You existed, not as if it was something to be done by you, rather it was just there, taken for granted. And then comes the ego, and then come the conflict and the struggle. Then everything becomes a responsibility, and every moment is a bondage with no freedom.
About our system I am sharing one story with you in this story Mulla Nasrudin is our system or courts or our in-laws or women welfare organizations and the donkey is you or me or all the victims.
Mulla Nasrudin bought a donkey. The owner of the donkey told Nasrudin to give it a certain amount of food daily. Mulla thought that this was too much, so he said,”Okay! By and by, I will reduce the food of the donkey and make him accustomed to a smaller ration.” So he reduced it. By and by, daily, the food was reduced, the ration was reduced. Finally, the ration was almost nothing – ALMOST NOTHING! Then the donkey fell down and died. So Mulla said, ”It is a pity. If I had had a little time more, if this donkey had not died so easily, I would have made him accustomed to no diet at all. The experiment was just about to be completed, and it is a pity that the donkey has died.”
17/12/2009 at 4:28 AM #1178AnonymousGuest
Dear friend, I have gone through your matter , I agree with you, but if we want to solve any problems, we must be reasonable & not emotional. Both of you have to sit together & have to discuss freely & sot out the problems, if it is not possible, You take help of friends & relatives of each other, even though if no solution is there, better to live separately without any concern, If both are not ready to settle , by consent file divorce petition, start new life, don’t go in past be in present.
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.