There are three broad reasons why men do not report domestic violence against themselves by females. I want to explore these reasons in this article.
The reasons are listed as follows:
1. Fear. This is a very common reason that men give for failing to report their experiences of female domestic violence. Fear of losing ones home, children, money and reputation in any court battle can be an extremely powerful reason to keep quiet and say nothing about the abuse one is suffering in the home.
It is common practice in the courts and in society at large to view the female the safest option when considering who to give custody of the children to in cases where a relationship has broken down. Is this perception an accurate one or is it based on what we think we know about women? For example, would you give a child into the care of an abusive parent? Of course not. To do so would be seen as cruel, thoughtless and completely irresponsible. Yet this is exactly what happens everyday in the family courts of western democracies all around the world.
When we think of abuse we tend to think of it only in terms of males abusing females. However, the facts show that women abuse males as much as vice versa. There is almost an exact 50 50 split in the scientific evidence gathered over the last thirty years between male and female perpetrators of domestic violence.
50% of men and 50% of women abuse their partners in the home. Yet in the family courts, 80% of custody cases are found in favor of the woman. Therefore, children must be being given over to abusive mothers an alarming amount of times. This high percentage of custody awards is what prevents a lot of men reporting their abuse experiences to the police and other agencies. They know that if they do, they will see their kids given to their abusive spouse so much of the time. So ask yourself a question: Would you report your abuser if this were true for you?
2. Ignorance. Some men don’t think about the cuts, bruises, scratches and bumps they receive from their wives as abuse. There are solid reasons why they don’t think about such injuries in this way. Men are taught from very early ages to “Be strong,” “Act like a man,” “Don’t be a wimp,” etc., etc. If they are sporting types they receive injuries on the sports field constantly. Bruises, cuts, lumps and bumps, even broken limbs, are a way of life to them. Men accept injuries they get from sports, at work, hobbies etc., as par for the course. They have a tendency to view a black eye as “Just a black eye.” Consequently when the get a black eye from their spouse they will tend to dismiss it in exactly the same way. They see such injuries as minor and therefore, do not report them. This is also true of psychological wounds inflicted by their partners.
Growing up in a macho culture means always appearing to be strong and courageous. It becomes almost impossible therefore, to admit that one is suffering at all. To admit that one is suffering at the hands of a “weak” female is made extraordinarily difficult by that macho culture which states, “I am a man. I can take it.” However, when we look at such injuries received at the hands of a spouse in terms of domestic violence, we suddenly see that there is no difference between the sexes. Domestic related injuries are not like those picked up on a sports field where most of them are accidents. Domestic injuries are evidence of one persons attempts to dominate, control and manipulate the feelings of another. It does not matter what sex the person doing this dominating is, the fact is that the results are domestic violence. Men suffering these injuries to the body, emotions and mind are just as much victims as females suffering these thing are. The imperatives for men to speak out are therefore much greater if the veil of societies ignorance on this issue is ever likely to be lifted. As long as men do not realize that what they are suffering is abuse, they will not report it. We must educate men to see that abuse is not the same as other injuries they may pick up. If we don’t, we run the risk of having thousands and thousands of damaged males loose in our society and all of the costs, both financial and emotional that such a state of affairs would bring.
3. Shame. This is the single most common reason men do not report domestic violence against them by females. When they have come to recognize their treatment as abuse they are often terrified to report it. Why is that? Well, its our fault. Yours and mine. We simply do not believe them when they report it. Instead we dismiss, ridicule, condemn and devalue male victims. We tell them that their pain does not matter. We encourage them to keep silent. We perpetuate the myth that only males abuse because that is easier than looking at the truth. When someone tells us that 90% of all domestic violence is committed by men on women, we are unwilling to examine the truth of that statistic. Instead, we just accept it. In doing so, we condemn men as despicable abusers and make it extraordinarily difficult for male victims to speak out. Already covered in false shame just for being a man, how does he then say to a hostile society, “Wait! I am a victim too”?
I have heard men say that they are ashamed of their sex for the violence carried out by them on women. I have yet to hear a woman say that about her sex. Why? Because women are not being hounded for their roles as abusers in the same way that men are. As an example, consider this: More physical abuse of children is carried out by mothers than by fathers. (over 60%) but, how often have you seen an advert on the TV or in the press depicting a child cowering away from a women’s hand? Not once. Men are always portrayed as the aggressor even though the facts say otherwise. This means that females abuse and men get blamed. Men then, are forced to carry the shame of abuse they are mostly innocent of. When they are subjected to abuse, men already know that that society views them as animals who hurt women and kids. If they go out and say, No, I was abused by my mother,sister, or wife, society is pre-programmed to actively say to them, “I don’t believe you.” Or, “What did you do to her to make her behave that way?” Or, “She had PMT so she is excused.” Etc., etc.
Do not underestimate the degree of shame men feel when they are abused. How do you tell your work mates or friends that a person five feet four inches tall and weighing a third of what you weigh has been beating you or attacking your mind on a daily basis? How do you report your psychological injuries to a disbelieving policeman in a police station? Even if you do work up the courage to report it, your female partner only has to imply that you were violent towards her and you will find yourself thrown out of your home and separated from your kids. Homeless, hurting, your life shredded, often out of a job too, because some employer automatically assumes you to be the perpetrator, and almost totally without any form of official support,
you are finished. Better to keep quiet it seems and “Bare it like a man.” Alternatively you could always kill yourself… and many men do just that!
As a society we hand men huge amounts of shame on a daily basis just for being male. This shame is dished out by a clearly biased, feminist dominated, domestic violence industry. An industry that shamelessly lies and distorts the truth in order to secure funds and to get revenge for often imagined wrongs they claim have been done to women by the patriarchy. What astounds me about all of this is the politicians, policemen and society, just assume that the figures being broadcast by these groups are totally reliable. No one ever questions them. Well, almost no one. As an example of what I mean by “almost no one,” here is a report from The Statistical Assessment Service in America. This group carefully monitors official statistics to ensure that are accurate.
FROM DV-USA SITE