Q. I can’t get enough of men. I have to look at every man who walks by. I flirt, I keep in touch with past boyfriends, I make new ones, and I browse for men online. I get up to 20 e-mails a day from my men. Once I have seduced them online, they are dying to meet me and usually sleep with me on the first date. Then I find the simplest flaw and use that against them to break it off. They are devastated. They feel I have used them sexually, and they are right.
The kicker is that I have done it ever since I was in a steady relationship with my 1st through umpteenth boyfriend and in every marriage that I have been in. At school, my friends credited me with having a brilliantly devious mind. My mother and sister knew about all this and helped me every time I needed to have an unwanted pregnancy terminated or needed to trap an elusive man. My new boyfriend is very rich, good-looking, and intelligent and we have a good sex life. I am 42. We have been together for 2 months; his wife is my friend and does not even know about our affair. I, however, still need a constant rotation of new men. I just can’t stop seducing other men and having sex with them. Nor do I want to, because I am having the time of my life.
This has at times affected my job, but only when I have a female boss who cannot be befooled and because it is so time-consuming. Typically, it takes three hours a day to write to men. Then I make phone calls to those on the rotation for that day. Then I e-mail again for another three hours. However, while I was married, I could only do that after my husband went to bed. Then I do a few hours of research for new men.
I have slept with an untold number of men. I would not call it an addiction because I like it so much and it makes me happy to meet them, seduce them, sleep with them and, yes, even break up with them. This week I will hit my all-time record of sleeping with 3 different men. They are all wealthy, intelligent and successful, and they all think we will live happily ever after. They have no idea that I am sleeping with so many other men, let alone married. I know hurting them emotionally is bad. I just can’t stop. To me it is all fair “game” as long as it is consensual.
For me, it is not simply the ‘sex’ it is the seduction, and the mental games and pleasure I receive from this. To seduce a man to the point where he really wants to have sex with me is very stimulating to me. It is like I have scored a six in the last few seconds of a cricket match. I have gotten so good at the after game as well that I make only one call or e-mail. You are not what I was looking for. Please don’t write me anymore. I never hear from them again. I find myself so manipulative it scares me sometimes but I know that even if caught, I will get away because people can never disbelieve a woman.
Part of the game, too, is being so manipulative with my mate that it feels like directing an orchestra. Move him here, date the husband, sleep with the boyfriend, get a new boyfriend, and slot him in for Tuesday or at times fix him up with one of my girlfriends.
Can you please give me some insight into what is going on ?
A. I think you are a sex addict and a narcissitic sociopath.
What you describe is sexual addiction. Like any addict, you have a feedback loop that provides you with positive reinforcement every time you make a conquest; hence your comparison to a winning touchdown in the big game. This gives you a dopamine high (dopamine being the neurotransmitter involved in pleasure and reward). It is also involved in sexual activity and addictive behaviors like compulsive gambling.
What is so very disturbing is your complete lack of guilt, remorse or empathy for the other parties involved. You know intellectually that this is bad behavior, because you are aware you are betraying your spouse and hurting all the other men you deal with. Yet it seems that you understand this only on a purely observational level.
It sounds as though you have no capacity for emotion. You lack any ability to hold yourself morally accountable for your dishonest and harmful actions. You are easily able to rationalize hurting and mistreating others, whether they are strangers or relatives. In fact, you take pleasure in it.
Hence, I also think you are a sociopath, with an utter lack of concern and regard for others. I suspect there are additional areas of your life where you repeatedly break the rules or injure others with no concern for the consequences. You might well destroy every relationship you get into and your job. You are leaving a wake of destruction.
For your own sake and for the sake of everyone else unfortunate enough to have their lives intersect with yours, you need help. If you don’t stop this behavior, you will likely contract a disease, get yourself arrested or enrage someone so much that you are harmed. If you want to try living a normal life “something beyond a life governed by sexual addiction” you need treatment, either individual treatment or group treatment.
To the readers: Narcissists like this are often charming and charismatic. As you can see, this woman has no trouble duping people and racking up innumerable conquests. If you encounter somebody like this, I suggest you get away as quickly as possible.
The Psychiatrist Bottom Line: Narcissistic and sociopath sex addicts behave in ways that violate social norms and will file false cases when they want to get away with their crimes.