A sincere suggestions to reduce the divorce cases [THEME : Prevention is better than cure]
For all yet-to-happen marriages, following things should be made compulsory
(this is an effort to reduce the ever-increasing divorce rate ) :
1. The couple (about to be married) should be allowed to meet for at least 3 months ( twice a week) before marriage is finalized.
The bullying tactics of typically daughters parents (to fixup a date of marriage) should not be tolerated at all.
It is often observed that hardly after the first or second meeting of the prospective groom and bride, that they start forcing the boys parents to fix up a date and commit to the marriage. Very often, a flaw in the girls/boys behavior is never brought to notice of the boy/girl or his/her family because of this hurriedness.
During those 3 months, the documents mentioned in point 5 below should be created and exchanged by both parties.
2. After all those meetings and reading of documents,
They should then do a mental reflection on the fundamental question :- ARE WE COMPATIBLE ?.
Both should have a final meeting on this and decide if they can safely go ahead.
The idea here is that both should truthfully reach the conclusion of whether they are compatible or not. The following sequence of events shows what happens when a breakup is inevitable due to their incompatibility.
2a. ( Reason: now-a-days nobody wants to do compromise beyond a certain extent.
It all starts Like this :- Mis-match of attitudes/needs a They try to bend each other to satisfy individual needs a Friction and clashes a attempts to adjust are done but EGO comes in the way a “If she does not compromise why should I ?”
2b. The wife may try to threaten the husband or vice versa a Relatives normally add fuel to the fire a one partner becomes more abusive than other and causes pressure / trauma to other partner a both partners fight a if EGO is running high Threats of Divorce start a Wife normally is told (by her relatives) about the Legal power that she has (rules are on her side)
2C. she considers using legal weapon to threaten husband a to solve the problem she seldom resorts to a peaceful settlement (divorce by mutual consent or a reconciliation and return to marital home) a Legal battle anow since law (like IPC 498A) is on the wifes side, only God can save the husband from mental agony.
3. A total and detailed medical checkup must be made mandatory for both husband and wife so that they are certified as fit. It has been observed in n number of cases where some or the other decease is kept as a secret till marriage and gets exposed after marriage to the horror of the other partner.
4. Educational qualification and work place/salary of husband and wife should be subjected to verification (in many cases husbands exaggerate their salaries while wifes parent keep the grooms parents in the dark about some serious decease the wife has. Same thing about his/her qualification. )
5. A PROFILE Form (almost like a document that may run into several pages) must be filled by both which will provide vital information to them. Both should fill up and exchange form that contains all personal details that may have some impact on their married life.
(logic : people dont easily speak up. But do not hesitate to write. Written communication can remove the limitations created by spoken communication.)
5a. Personal details, qualification and salary details. (this should be subjected to independent verification by the other party. Refer point 4 above.)
5b. Medical history (attach medical report ( point 3 above) prepared by a third party qualified professional)
5c. “likes and dis-likes”
5d. Addictions, if any (everything from supari to poison). Frequency of drinking, smoking etc.
5f. General Goals in life
5g. Life style : how much u spend per month, what u drive (2 wheeler, car,plane, yatch, What kind of home u want, do u like to keep animals in home ?, food and drinks u like, food and drinks u hate to have , which place u would like to stay after marriage, in a flat or bungalow or row house ?, what does “luxury” mean to you ?, how do u spend free time ?, spiritual inclination etc)
5h. Career goals in life ( + education goals.) Eg : I wish to do Ph.D / research / start business / etc
5i. Expectations from spouse (V Imp !!. Large no. of divorces are due to mismatch of expectations !)
Expectations from spouse To be divided into
1) BASIC expectations (MUST be met by spouce), (Eg : I want my wife to serve my parents instead of setting up a nuclear family. )
2) ADDITIONAL Expectations (at least 60PerCent should be met by spouce) and
3) GOOD-to-have things (considered as a plus, but not compulsory).
5j. My dream partner : a small paragraph on what my dream partner should be like.
5k. Whether Joint/Nuclear family is preferred (to be filled up by wife)
5l. A day in my life : complete list of activities and events from morning till night on an average day. (this will help the other party know how the writer spends his/her day)
5m. Expectations related to kids. (Qty, education, dreams that u have about kids)
5n. Expectations related to sex life. (style, type and frequency (times in a week), etc)
5o. Expectations related to social life
5p. A page on “The worst mistakes I made in life”
5q. Hate list : things I cannot allow my partner to do. (I just cannot stand). (for eg : Drinking , non-veg, gutkha, cats and dogs in home, noise, nagging, partying, going to the temple, bhajans etc etc. In one interesting case, a girl asked for divorce because she did not like the way her husband ate food.(He used to make lot of noise while eating.))
5r. Above form should be signed by parties after they create and submit it.
6. Above scheme will be atleast a partial success if atleast 1 partner is honest while writing the above form. Needless to mention that the selection process will be a success if both fill up the form with 100PerCent honesty and truthfulness.
7. All above checks and counter checks will make sure that marriage are not so casually and suddenly planned as it happens now a days. Also, it will be made sure that no party is hiding anything from the other party. Also, it will ensure that nothing is hidden from either party in terms of social , economic, physical, sexual and other parameters no party will get “surprises” from the other party after marriage (or very few surprises, atleast). Neither the brides nor the grooms parents should force the other party to “quickly fix up a suitable date” for the marriage. In short, marriage process should be lengthy and should ascertain Reasonably high compatibility between husband and wife before marriage itself.
8. During marriage, no gifts should be accepted. If a they are accepted, a list of gifts should be maintained and both parties should sign a document declaring the objects to be harmless GIFTS and not DOWRY. 99PerCent divorce cases today are Dowry harassment cases (where wife claims to have recd a lot of harassment from the in-laws on account of insufficient dowry).
By:Suresh – Mumbai